I am shooting my video diary on Saturday afternoon. I’m nervous about it…which is why I keep putting it off. For someone who models and was a film major in college you would think I might love being in front of a camera. While I AM comfortable….I’m highly critical of myself. Too critical.
We are all overly critical of ourselves usually, but for me it’s really to a fault. To the point where my family members say things like “what are you talking about…have you even looked in a mirror lately?”
This comes from a lifetime of trying to model and not being the 97 lb stick figures I see in magazines. It comes from the names other kids call you when you are little…that stick in your head for a lifetime. The off color jokes a relative makes at your expense, that you laugh at at the time, but get upset about later. For a long time I let those little comments and names stop me from doing what I wanted to do…I bought into them. I believed them. But no more.
I got turned down at a modeling agency in the past who told me I had “too much muscle”, and could I “stop working out” to lose it. I’m sorry…WHAT?! Exactly. I walked out. But I’m not made of stone. I walked around thinking, gosh, I have too much muscle! This is awful! When really, it’s AWESOME.
I’ve got a lot of reasons as to why I am critical of how I look, and sometimes in the past I was not confident, even if I didn’t have reasons for it. I compared myself to girls from Russia and Poland in Vogue who were 13 and had no boobs. I have boobs. I like my boobs. And I’m 30. Yes, you can still model at 30! Commercial divisions, lifestyle divisions, print, tv, etc etc.
When I turned 30 I told myself that it was now or never. I was going to get over these “issues”…this lifetime of built up comments and rejections from others that had lingered in my head…and I was going to do whatever it took, in the healthiest way possible, to achieve my goals. I don’t want to be airbrushed. I want my photos to reflect exactly what I look like. I want to show young girls who want to model, that you CAN do it, and you can do it in a healthy way. You don’t have to strive to look like a clothing hanger or a teenage boy in order to model. You can be athletic and toned and fit (while still having boobs!)
That’s why I went raw. Out of vanity originally, a quest for beauty, and to achieve my dream of getting signed by an agency. (open calls next month!!! fingers crossed)
But I have learned so much more. I feel better being raw. I have more energy. I’m not depressed. I feel invincible almost. I’m not eating pesticides or processed junk. I do my best to eat only fresh organic produce. But if I don’t plan out my meals one day, and I have to grab a veggie wrap somewhere that has some cooked veggies in it, I don’t beat myself up about it, because it’s still healthy. Stressing over deviating from the raw “rules” isn’t healthy either.
I’m learning that in order to stick with this lifestyle change for a lifetime…I need to do it in the way that works best for me. That might mean hot soups in the winter. It might mean I make cooked / steamed veggies. Or I might cave one day and have some nature’s path cereal or oats. But I’m human. I have to leave room for error. I have to give myself permission to mess up. I have to, because I’m so critical about myself, and such a perfectionist, that if I don’t give myself that room…I’ll beat myself up about it when I “mess up” and I will totally fall off the wagon.
So. A video diary is coming this Saturday. Candid me. No holds barred. Even I don’t know what that means LOL. I’m just a girl trying to achieve my dreams, and being as real about it as I know how to be…while, hopefully, inspiring others to be healthier and follow their dreams.
Because, believe me…if I can do this…so can you.